


Sunshine

by infernalstars



Category: Six of Crows - Fandom
Genre: Crooked Kingdom - Freeform, Six of Crows, leigh bardugo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-11-29 01:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11430630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernalstars/pseuds/infernalstars
Summary: Bianca is sunshine and that warm feeling when you get when you drink coffee, Kaz is cold tea and that feeling you get when you feel the cold breeze touch you're skin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters

Bianca sat down in the cafeteria next to her tour guide Nina. She pushed her glasses up on her nose, and pulled her jacket around her. 

"I hope you don't mind my friends joining us." Nina smiled pulling out a paper bag, looking over at Bianca.

Bianca shook her head and pulled out her phone. She replied to her moms messages, saying that her day was going fine. She looked up as a group of four approached the table. 

First, was a girl with darker, smooth skin. Most likely, middle eastern or Indian, not that Bianca would have the courage to ask the girl. 

Next to her we're two boys, the boy with dark brown skin had his arm slung over the others shoulder, holding him close. The boy under his shoulder, his face covered with freckles, was a small, innocent thing in comparison to the boy next to them. 

Bianca almost choked on her water. He was gorgeous. He was tall and menacing, his hands gloved. His dark brown eyes found hers curiously. Bianca found herself glancing up at his hair, soft and flowing. 

Heaven help her, she wanted to touch it.

He took the seat next to her, setting his cane on the table. He leaned back in his seat, turning to look at Bianca. 

Bianca's blue eyes widened and she let her short blonde hair fall in her eyes. She looked back at her phone that rested on the table, her breath caught in her throat.

"This is Bianca, she's new and I'm showing her around." Nina waved a hand at the blonde who lifted her head looking around the table. "This is Inej, Jesper, Wylan, and Kaz." Nina introduced her friends.

Bianca offered a small wave at everyone and looked back down. She shifted uncomfortably, and looked up at the others. 

Inej was invested in her homework and Wylan and Jesper seemed invested in their own conversation. Kaz on the other hand seemed invested Bianca, making her uncomfortable.

Nina poured at her phone and threw it down on the table startling Wylan. "Has no one seen Matthias?" 

Jesper grinned, "Awe, so you do care about that idiot!" 

"No more than Kaz smiles." Nina countered. 

"At least I know what I'm doing with my love life." Jesper winked at Wylan, a bright blush coming to his cheeks.

Nina glared at Jesper crossing her arms. Jesper simply ignored her, turning back to Wylan, laying his legs across his boyfriends lap.

"So, Bianca," Kaz began, "Where'd you go to school before?"

"She hasn't got to tell you anything, Brekker." Nina snipped. 

"Nina, relax, it was just a question." Inej spoke up against Nina. 

Bianca looked up at Inej seeing the fiery anger in her eyes. Defensive of Kaz, Bianca noted. She was a good observer. 

"Not one she has to answer." Nina argued.

Kaz kicked his chair back suddenly, causing silence to fall over the group and most of the cafeteria. Kaz grabbed his walking stick, glaring at Nina and Inej before limping off. 

Bianca cleared her throat, "Thank you, Nina. Sorry, Inej." 

The two girls nodded. Bianca shifted in her seat, picking up her phone again. 

"Bianca, do you have your schedule?" Jesper spoke up.

Bianca nodded, turning to her yellow back pack and handing Jesper a white sheet of paper. His lips pursed together thoughtfully and Wylan leaned over his shoulder. 

"We have next period together..." Jesper looked over at Nina, "I can show her the way?" 

Nina hesitated but nodded, "Sure. I'm sorry in advance for whatever he puts you through." 

"Hey! I'm a good kid!" Jesper insisted.

"Mediocre." Wylan said without looking up from his phone. 

Jesper pouted, looking over at Wylan. Wylan glanced up and sighed, ruffling the dark skinned boys hair, unable to resist his pout.

"You know your the best, you idiot." Wylan patted him on the head spreading a smile to Jesper's face. 

Bianca pulled out her sketch book hesitantly before setting to work on one of her drawings. Inej being curious, peered over at the artwork. 

"That's really good, are you taking an art class?" Inej wondered. 

Bianca looked up from her work and nodded, "Thank you, I had art last period actually." 

Inej nodded, mentally gathering intel. That's what she did best, she got information, she stayed hidden. Kaz always turned to her, so what made him ask Bianca himself why she moved here? 

Better yet, why did Nina get so defensive? Inej intended to find out. 

Wylan leaned over showing Jesper something on his phone. Jesper rolled his eyes at Wylan. 

"You are the biggest loser I know." Jesper shook his head at the boy who's smile never faultered. 

"Yet you still love me." 

"I'm still trying to figure out why." Jesper joked. 

Bianca, unintentionally had been starring at their cuteness. Jesper, noticed and swung his legs down from Wylan's lap. 

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything." He apologized, scratching behind his ear.

Much to his surprise, Bianca burst out laughing, "No, no, I didn't mean to stare! You two are just so adorable!" 

Wylan's face turned bright red and a goofy smile appeared on Jesper's face. Bianca smiled and set back to work on her artwork. Jesper turned to Wylan again, both of them looking over Wylan's phone. 

Bianca couldn't stop thinking about Kaz. His question, the one question she'd prayed no one would asked. Images of the school shooting and her sister lying on the floor in front of her, having took a bullet for her, flooded her mind. 

Abruptly she pushed up from her seat and looked over at Nina. "Where are the-the uh bathrooms?" 

Nina hesitantly gave her the directions and Bianca quickly gathered her things and rushed out of the cafeteria, her head lowered. Dammit, Kaz, she cursed. 

She couldn't understand him, she could usually read everyone. Why was Kaz a mystery, how was he so well hidden? She didn't have time to think about Kaz, not with her mind racing the way it was. Not with the panic building in her chest.

She had trained her mind not to think about the shooting in her spare time. She never wanted to think about it. She grumbled struggling to unlock her phone as she stormed down the hallway, her vision blurry.

Then she went crashing into the person in front of her, they both went flying to the ground. Their phones flew in opposite directions and pages tore free from Bianca's sketchbook. 

Bianca looked across at Kaz and sighed as he reached for his phone and his cane, righting himself. Bianca had already gathered her papers and phone and stood with him. 

"You should watch where you walk," he suggested.

"Touché." Bianca said quietly, "I'm trying to find the bathrooms." 

Kaz pointed his finger over his shoulder, "Turn right, first door on the left." 

Bianca nodded and Kaz studied her for a second. She shifted uncomfortably but held her ground, looking him head on. 

"You're upset." 

"No, I have to pee." 

Kaz's nose scrunched up, "You can see it in your eyes." 

"That I have to pee?" Bianca raised her eyebrows. 

Kaz tilted his head to the side, studying her carefully again. "You're upset, I mean maybe you do have to pee and that's your own business, but still..."

Bianca rolled her eyes and turned back towards the cafeteria. She hard Kaz limping behind him with his cane the whole way. When she got to their table again, she threw her stuff down, startling the others. 

"Hey, Kaz is back!" Jesper pointed out.

Bianca crossed her arms. "You're a bit of a jerk, you know?" She glanced at Kaz. A very attractive jerk, she thought. Was he really a jerk? She couldn't tell.

"Thanks." He smiled at her and held up her schedule he some how had managed to snag. The others seemed on edge, the smile on Kaz's face being the trigger.

Bianca frowned, "How'd you...?"

"Kaz, here, is an excellent immoral pick pocket." Nina said snatching the schedule.

Kaz shrugged, "We have seventh and eight period." 

Bianca smiled and turned to Nina, opening her mouth just as the bell rang. Bianca got up as Jesper said goodbye to Wylan and grabbed her arm, leading her to their next class.

"Kaz must really like you if he took your schedule." Jesper said as they walked down the hall.

"I don't think Kaz likes anyone but himself." Bianca said as they navigated the busy halls together. She had no idea what Kaz liked. 

Jesper looked back at Bianca and shrugged, "That's probably true, but none of us have great upbringings, he's probably wondering how you're such a ball of sunshine." 

"I'm not a ball of—" 

"Trust me, you radiate sunshine." Jesper laughed as they approached the classroom door. Jesper held the door for her and she walked inside. 

She followed Jesper to the back of the room, sitting in the empty desk to his right. Jesper kicked his feet up and turned to Bianca. 

"So, Bianca, tell me about you." 

Bianca tucked her hair behind her ear and shrugged, "Not much to tell." 

Jesper tilted his head to the side, "What do you do with your free time?" 

Bianca gestured to her sketchbook. "I'm also invested in like twelve Netflix shows at the same time."

Jesper laughed as the bell rang and he slipped his phone into his pocket. He turned his attention to the front of the room. The teacher found Bianca in the crowd and smiled. 

"Today we have a new student, Bianca Mills." All eyes turned to Bianca as she waved awkwardly. "Bianca, why don't you tell everyone where you went before this, what you like, maybe you'll make some new friends." 

"I already have some friends, thank you though."

"Miss Mills." The teacher pressed.

Bianca looked down, mumbling the name of the school. The kid in front of her went wide eyed. 

"That's the school where the shooting happened! Your sister died! Didn't she?" The kid exclaimed. 

Bianca nodded her head, squeezing her eyes shut. Her hands were gripped tightly in her lap. 

"Jack, I will destroy you." The teacher glared at Jesper, "In volleyball, of course." 

No, he was going to destroy him for real. Jack turned back around to face the front of the room and the teacher quickly moved to change the subject. 

Bianca looked over at Jesper, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. "A ball of sunshine, huh?" 

"I'm sorry, Bianca." Jesper whispered.

She shook her head, "Just...don't tell anyone." 

Jesper nodded and turned back to the front of the room, leaving Bianca to her notebook.

-

Kaz sat in the back corner of the classroom watching students come in. The teacher glared at him. He's gotten away with cheating off the test, by threatening the teacher. Whatever, he didn't need cheating on his record, too. 

Bianca walked in and sat in the last available seat. Right in front of him. She smiled as she sat down, Kaz didn't return it. Bianca sat down in her seat and lowered her head.

It was the same routine as the periods before for Bianca. They asked her to talk about herself. She offered a smile and said she didn't want to share. 

The teacher returned to teaching and Kaz leaned forward. "You're hiding something, Sunshine." 

Bianca turned to face him, "So what if I am, we all have our secrets." 

Her eyes scanned him, her eyes landing on his gloves. She looked back up at him and frowned. 

"I don't understand you." Bianca shook her head.

"Not many do." 

"Inej does. I can see it. She likes you I think, and I also think it's unrequited." Bianca glances at the front of the room, the teacher ignoring them. 

"Inej doesn't like me. She's a friend, sure, nothing more." Kaz insisted. 

"So it is unrequited." Bianca said a small smile forming on her lips. 

At least she could still read people. Just not Kaz. 

"Why are you trying to understand me?"

"Because, people are interesting, complicated. They're something about the way we feel stuff. Observing is learning. I can observe people and understand them. I can't understand you. It's even more interesting." She met his eyes. "You're complex, Kaz." 

"So I am." Kaz agreed, with a shrug. 

"Bianca, Kaz. Please pay attention." The teacher snapped. 

Bianca turned back around and lowered her head, opening her sketchbook. She kept her lowered but listened to the teacher. Kaz peered over her shoulder. 

She was quite the artist, he had to admit. With startling realization, he saw himself, Jesper, Wylan, Inej and Nina all together in the drawing. 

She was working on his cane. She got the crow head just right, he noticed. 

He wanted to learn more about her. Even if he learned everything it wouldn't be enough. He didn't want Inej to gather the intel, either. He wanted to learn for himself. 

And he would.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters

Bianca waited out in front of the school for her mom, headphones in. She glanced over at Kaz who watched her across the hall. She yanked out a headphone. 

"Stop starring, Brekker." She said loudly, drawing a few people's attention. 

"Trying to figure you out, B." Kaz tapped his fingers on his cane. 

Bianca flinched, "Don't call me B." 

Kaz hesitated but stood up, sitting next to her. "Why not?" 

Bianca cast him a glare, taking out his headphones. She looked around, seeing Wylan walking down the hall and frantically called him over. She pushed Kaz over, putting Wylan between them. 

"Hey! Where'd you come from?" She smiled trying to avoid the annoying Kaz. 

"A-A mathlete meeting." He said almost nervously. 

"Cool. Are your parents picking you up?" She smiled kindly. 

"Oh, uh...my dad kicked me out a while ago. I stay with Jesper now, he's picking me up now." Wylan said fidgeting. 

"I'm sorry. You guys are so cute, by the way." She frowned and then quickly smiled again. 

"Thanks. Are you waiting for your ride?" Wylan pointed towards all the cars picking up kids. 

"Yeah..." she looked down at her phone, "My mom works so far away, though." 

"Where do you live, Jesper might be able to bring you back." Wylan suggested. 

Her smile lit up as she told Wylan where she lived. He thought for a minute before nodding, "That's on out way, I'm sure Jes won't mind!" 

"Thank you so much!" She pulled out her phone to tell her mom. 

She stood up, putting the phone to her ear. Wylan looked over at Kaz uncertainly. 

"She's not afraid of you." Wylan said. 

Kaz nodded watching her. "I know...I can't figure out why." 

Wylan frowned, "Figuring out why...isn't that Inej's job?" 

Kaz nodded and glared at Wylan as she sat back down next to them. Bianca's smile lightened Wylan's unease of being around Kaz Brekker, the devil himself. 

A horn honked outside and they all looked up to see Jesper sitting in a brown, rusting truck. Wylan gathered his stuff and rushed out. 

"Do you have a ride?" Bianca frowned. 

"Inej is on the gymnastics team. I'm waiting for her." He narrowed his eyes, "You should get going. Your ride is waiting." 

Bianca looked over her shoulder, smiling at Kaz. "Have a good day, Kaz. I'll see you tomorrow." 

Kaz kept his face plain as she rushed out the doors the sliding in next to Wylan. The front seat seated three. Jesper's arm was slung across his boyfriend's shoulders again as they drove. 

"Thank you for giving me a ride, Jesper." She leaned forwards to look at him. 

"Oh, yeah, no problem. It's on the way." Jesper shrugged and turned up the radio a bit, a country song filling the air. 

Wylan frowned at the radio a bit before looking down at his phone. Jesper glanced at Wylan, shaking him gently. 

"Babe, how many times do I have to tell you, you can change the radio." Jesper laughed.

Wylan shook his head, "It's okay. You like the music, it's fine." 

Bianca leaned against the window, watching the buildings rolling by. Wylan nudged her, holding out his phone to her, the contacts pulled up. 

Bianca smiled and put her number and name into the phone before handing it back to him. She tapped her fingers on her knees. 

"Hey, can you call Kaz? Put him on speaker." Jesper asked Wylan who nodded, grabbed Jesper's phone from his pocket. "Bianca, stay quiet, I want to test something." 

Kaz picked up on the fourth ring. "What do you want Jesper?" 

"Hello to you too." Jesper chuckled, "Hey, so I was wondering what you thought of Bianca? I just dropped her off and I saw the way you watched her when she walked away. Talk to me." 

"She's hiding something. No one hides anything from me." Kaz said. 

God, Bianca thought, even his voice was hot. She shifted in her seat, listening. 

"Kaz." Jesper pressed. 

"Don't push it." 

"I'll push." 

"Don't."

"You think she's pretty? Inej is pretty, too, don't you think." Jesper tried.

"I don't think of Inej that way, we've been over this." Kaz sounded annoyed. 

"You didn't answer my question about Bianca." Jesper tapped his fingers on the wheel. 

There was silence from the other line. No one talked. Bianca tapped her foot nervously. 

"She's not pretty. She's beautiful." The line went dead, leaving the words to echo in Bianca's ears. 

"He just..." she breathed out. 

Wylan made a face at Jesper, "How come you never call me beautiful?"

"You're beautiful." Jesper retorted. 

Wylan pouted. "Thanks but you don't mean it."

Jesper rolled his eyes and stopped at the red light, leaning over to give Wylan a kiss on the cheek. Wylan pushed him away gently, laughing. 

"Eyes on the road." 

"We're at a red light. Don't tell me your color blind." Jesper joked. 

"I'm not." Wylan still laughed. 

"Kaz said I was beautiful." Bianca said from next to them. "I didn't think he liked anything. I don't know anything about him. I can't read him...he doesn't make sense."

Wylan looked over at Bianca, reaching for her arm, "Are you okay?" 

"I can't...I can't breath." She said gasping, tugging at her seat belt. "I can't. I have to get out. Let me out!" She tugged at the seat belt. 

Jesper looked over at Bianca both confused and nervous. 

"Jesper pull over." Wylan yelled over Bianca. 

"LET ME OUT!" Bianca screamed tears falling now as she tried to the locked door. 

Wylan grabbed Jesper's arm, "PULL OVER." 

Jesper jerked to the curb and unlocked the doors as Wylan unbuckled Bianca. She threw herself out of the car, crawling onto the side walk. 

Wylan climbed out after her, even as she screamed at him to get away. 

"He called me beautiful. He doesn't make sense. He doesn't know. He can't know. He wants to know." She gasped for air. 

Jesper took out the keys and climbed out the passenger side, dropping to the ground next to them. 

"The shooting?" Jesper asked grabbing her arms, "You think he's trying to figure that out." 

"God, of course he is. It's my only secret!" She sobbed, shaking. 

Jesper shook her gently, "Hey, hey, calm down. Bianca look at me!" 

Bianca's eyes snapped to his. Her eyes widened. She shook her head, "I can't. Jesper, my sister took that bullet for me. She died for me. I watched the light fade from her eyes. She died in my arms."

Wylan's eyes widened, "That shooting. That was your school?" 

Bianca nodded sobbing. Jesper hesitated before pulling her into a hug as she broke down on the side walk. 

"It's okay. It'll be okay." Jesper promised as she held onto him.

-

She threw her bag down inside the door, looking around the empty house as she phone buzzed. 

?  
Everyone welcome Bianca to the group chat

Bianca  
Group chat?

Nina  
YES, WELCOME CHILD

Bianca   
Aren't I older than you, Nina?

Nina  
Shush

Wylan  
If no one else says hi I'm going to cry 

Bianca had been told earlier that Wylan's phone has special features where he can speak his messages and have them read to him. Plus he could read the basics, according to Jesper, he just struggled a bit.

??  
Such a crybaby I swear

Wylan  
Love you too, babe

Jesper  
I know

???  
Welcome to the most annoying, notification blowing up, chat you'll ever be included in 

Bianca  
I'm happy to be here today <3

???  
Welcome, B

Jesper  
"B" that's adorable 

Kaz  
Sunshine also works

Nina  
She is a ball of sunshine 

Inej  
Radiates it

????  
Who's Bianca

Nina  
Matt...we talked about it, she's the girl I'm tutoring. Say hello.

????  
Hello, I don't know you, I'm Matthias 

Bianca  
Pleasure to meet you 

Matthias  
Nina, can I go now?

Nina  
Yes 

Wylan  
Matthias is always grumpy 

Jesper  
I am too when you lock yourself in your room saying your doing homework and then do this

Nina   
Don't work out your personal issues in the gc

Jesper  
But that's what friends are for 

Kaz  
We're acquaintances

Inej  
I seriously want to hit you over the head sometimes 

Nina  
He's already messed up in the head don't make it worse 

Bianca   
Messed up how?

Nina  
He's an idiot. A criminal. He's stupid. I already said that, but he just doesn't see anything wrong in these crimes...

Kaz  
I just don't care

Inej  
They aren't crimes. He just misbehaves in class

Wylan  
A LOT 

Kaz  
Thanks guys 

Jesper  
Guys, lay off, he's trying to seem cool for Bianca 

Kaz  
When I see you next I'm giving you a black eye

Wylan   
Plz don't, he's beautiful 

Bianca   
what's happening?? 

Jesper  
Kaz is trying to be cool  
For you   
It's adorable 

Kaz  
TWO BLACK EYES, JESPER

Bianca   
I'm confused, but I'm just gonna go watch TV

Bianca turned the chat on do not disturb and walked up to her bedroom, laying down her bed dramatically. There was a knock at her door and she raised her head to see her older brother standing in the door. 

"How was your first day?" He asked.

"I only broke down after school." She said looking up at the ceiling. 

"What happened?" 

"Kaz Brekker called me beautiful." She whispered.

"Do you like him?" James asked, sitting next to her.

"No idea. I don't understand Kaz. I will eventually. I'll let you know then." She looked over at James who nodded and handed her ear plugs. 

"There's a thunderstorm tonight." 

Bianca nodded and took the ear plugs. Since the shooting, loud noises, such as thunderstorms scared her. Sometimes even a slamming door if she wasn't paying attention. 

She played with the package they sat in and turned to James. "Thank you." 

He leaned over to kiss her forehead and left the room. Bianca looked around the room she used to share with her sister. She currently laid on the lower level of a bunk bed. 

Her sister, Katlyn always had the top bunk. Bianca's sheets were light blue and the pillows a light purple. Kat's had a lightning bolt fashioned on the front and her pillows were black. 

Kat's dresser and other belongings that Bianca could bare to keep had been removed, leaving Bianca's white dresser, desk and nightstand. On the floor where Kat's stuff had been were piles of Bianca's books. 

After Kat's death she disappeared to her room, hiding in books, hiding from reality. 

She still did that. Just not as much. One day of school and she already had a few friends. She was going to be okay.

Her phone buzzed and she grabbed it, rolling onto her stomach. 

Kaz  
What's your secret

Bianca  
Who's Kaz Brekker

Kaz  
I don't have to answer

Bianca   
Exactly 

Bianca pulled back the covers and curled into bed. She was surprised at Kaz's fast texting. Why did he text her?

Kaz  
It's a fair trade

Bianca   
I'm not texting you all my secrets

Kaz  
Fine, I'll come over 

Bianca  
I didn't invite you 

Kaz  
And?

Bianca   
Whatever 

Bianca set her phone aside, reaching for the window behind her bed. She tugged the blinds up and looked out at the woods behind her house. 

She watched the sun lingering just above the trees. She rolled over turning on her music and grabbing her sketch book and a pencil. 

She worked with the music, so focused on her drawing. She didn't look up until someone stopped her music. She was startled to see Kaz Brekker standing next to her bed. 

James stood in the doorway. 

"Your brother says we aren't allowed in here alone. He said we are welcomed to sit outside." Kaz rested against his cane.

Bianca grabbed her phone and stood up hastily as she led Kaz out into the back patio. She seated herself on the patio swing and Kaz reluctantly joined her. 

"Tell me all your secrets, Bianca Mills." Kaz nudged her. 

Bianca rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "You first or you leave here with a black eye." 

"Nobody gives Kaz Brekker a black eye, B." He chuckled.

"I'd like to be the first." She shrugged. 

"What would you like to know?" Kaz asked, using her cane to rock the swing. He didn't meet her eyes, which left her unsettled. The eyes told the most emotion.

"Where'd you grow up?" 

"Around." 

"Parents?" 

"Dead."

"I'm sorry. Siblings?" 

He hesitated, "None." 

"Never had or no longer have?" Bianca turned to him. 

He glanced at her, his eyebrows raised. Bianca had found something within the smallest hesitation. It was close to nothing but it was enough. 

"What?" 

"You hesitated. Kaz, you can tell me." 

"I had a brother, Jordie. He's dead now." 

"I had a sister, Katlyn. She's dead now." Bianca whispered. 

"She called you B, didn't she?" Kaz met her eyes now. 

Bianca nodded, not letting the tears form. Not in front of Kaz. Jesper and Wylan were different. They weren't Kaz.

"Inej usually gets my information. Secretly, no one knows, she's a shadow. A ghost." Kaz started. "I wanted to learn for myself, who Bianca Mills was. I still do." 

"You get this information and do what?" 

Kaz shrugged looking down, "it's good to have information. You can always use someone's help." 

There was a pause where Kaz seemed to think about his words. Bianca had shifted uncertainly in her seat as the silence grew longer. 

"Katlyn Mills died in a shooting." 

Bianca nodded, "Go home." 

"What?" Kaz was taken aback, everything had been fine. Of course, he opened his stupid mouth. 

"I said go home, Kaz." Bianca whispered. "Go." Her voice was raised now.

For a cripple, he moved fast. Bianca watched him go and curled up in a ball on the swing. She fell asleep remembering the shooting. 

She woke to the same sound. Except it was really thunder but she was too scared to process it. She fell of the chair, onto the concrete, screaming as thunder shook the ground.

She sobbed hiding under the bench trying to get away from the sound. She screamed and screamed for help until someone hauled her to her feet. 

She screamed at them not to shoot her and she tried to get away as thunder shook the earth again. She screamed as she almost tripped over a pole. No, not a pole, a cane. 

She did fall over then. She looked up as lightning illuminated the sky and she saw Kaz Brekker trying to get her to her feet. 

"Come on." He shouted over the rain, dragging her towards her house.

She screamed again as thunder shook the earth. Kaz threw open the door, helping her shivering form inside. 

"Towels?" He asked shutting the door. 

"D-d-down the hall." 

She watched, shaking as Kaz limped quietly down the hall, coming back with more towels than he should have been able to carry. 

He draped a towel over her shoulders and laid a second across her lap. He turned towards the coffee machine, getting a medium cup of water and finding the hot chocolate powder to put in it. 

Kaz handed her the cup, still soaked himself. "I came back to see if you were okay." 

Bianca nodded taking a sip, "I was there, at the shooting when Kat died. She took a bullet for me. And now I have PTSD."

She winced as thunder rattled the kitchen windows. Kaz made himself a cup of hot chocolate, leaning heavily against the counter. 

When he stayed quiet, she continued, "I saw her die in my arms. I still remember that shooters face. The police showed up before he could shoot me for real. They were too late for Kat." 

Kaz set his mug down, his wet hair falling into his eyes. "No one should have to go to through that."

Bianca looked up at him, sensing his wall down, "You speak from experience?" 

Kaz gave her a very quizzical look. "What?" She could see it now. In his eyes. She was reading Kaz Brekker. 

"You've seen someone die. Someone..." she hesitated, "Was it Jordie?" 

Kaz walked over to her, pulling up a chair next to her. After demanding she tell no one, he told her the story of Jordie's death. He didn't even cry. 

Bianca had a feeling that he never did. That he never let anyone see how much it hurt. That he never showed a weakness. 

Bianca put her hand over Kaz's gloved hand. She made the same promise to him, that Jesper made to her. It would all be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters
> 
> THIS CHAPTER FEATURES ABUSE, READ WITH CAUTION

A few weeks later and Bianca was one with the group of six. She'd met Matthias and despite how bitter he was sometimes and how serious he was, they got along. It was hard not to like Bianca. 

Her, Nina and Inej were a group of their own. Typical teenage girls. They'd sit next to each other at lunch and lean towards each other whispering, not telling the guys a word of it. 

Wylan and Bianca had grown very close. The two observers got along well. Jesper drove her home everyday and on occasion she'd spend the evening at Jesper's place, even helping out with his families farm. 

Though she mostly read to Wylan and Wylan tutored her in math and her language class. Jesper never minded.

It was Kaz and Bianca's sudden friendship that startled the group. The girl got Brekker to smile. No one made Kaz smile and certainly not that much. 

Bianca sat next to Kaz most days in lunch and talked to him during the classes they had together. There was always something to say to him. Always more to learn.

It was very...unKaz like.

One day, Bianca set her lunch bag down and looked at the table sadly. "No Kaz?"

"No, but I'm still here!" Jesper pointed out.

"No but seriously, no Kaz?" Bianca frowned. 

"Today's not a good day for him. Some sad anniversary...he wont tell us more. We usually leave him be." Inej explained. 

"Where does he live?" Bianca pressed. 

"Are you gonna get in bed with Kaz?" Jesper asked, his mouth full of French fries. 

Inej hit Jesper over the head. Wylan winced slightly. As Bianca had learned, Wylan's father had beat him for being dyslexic. Bianca had hugged him non stop for an hour after learning that. 

Bianca spit out her water, choking. "My god, no." 

Nina laughed, "She just wants to make sure her future husband is okay." 

"What?" Bianca asked between fits of coughs. 

"Nothing." Nina sang.

-

Bianca thanked Jesper for the ride with a hug and walked towards the apartment complex. She smiled at the doorman and climbed into the elevator. She pressed the button for the fifth floor.

She waited patiently until finally she got there. She walked down the hall to apartment 5J. She knocked and she could hear Kaz's grumbled 'go away'.

"Kaz, it's B." She leaned against the door frame. "Please open up." 

There was shuffling and the door was thrown open. Kaz stood in the door in pajamas, a bottle of whiskey in one hand a cigarette in the other. 

"Why are you here?" He frowned. 

"Inej said today was some sad anniversary and I wanted to make sure you were okay." Bianca rocked on her heels. 

"You also want to know what sad anniversary." Kaz said stepping aside to let her in. 

"It's Jordie's, isn't it?" Bianca said taking off her coat. 

Kaz's apartment was neat and organized. The perfect color schemes, everything in the right place. Everything had a place. 

It was elegant in a Kaz way. Bianca liked it. 

Kaz looked at the cigarette and nodded. He stumbled to the couch and Bianca followed him. She carefully grabbed the cigarette and put it out in the ash tray. 

Kaz pouted slightly but let her. His pout only increased as she took his bottle of whiskey and put the lid back on. 

She coaxed him into laying down. He put his head in her lap and covered with a blanket. 

"You're pretty." Kaz mumbled reaching up to touch her hair. 

He had too much to drink, Bianca knew, but she could help her blush. He had said she was beautiful sober once too.

"Thank you." She smiled, running her hands through Kaz's hair. 

"I like when you touch me. I don't like when other people do." Kaz mumbled like a little kid who wasn't allowed to have a cookie or something. He was very childish which again wasn't like Kaz Brekker.

Bianca chuckled lightly. 

"I want my bed." He mumbled half awake.

Bianca nodded helping him towards his bedroom. Kaz shivered under the blankets and Bianca turned to go to the couch. 

"B, will you stay? I don't want to be alone?" His words were a bit slurred.

Bianca nodded, laying next to him. She didn't complain as he wrapped his arm around her and held her close. 

"Do you do this every year Kaz?" Bianca asked, "Get drunk and sulk all day?"

"Every single year. Sometimes on certain days when I can't get him off my mind..." Kaz's voice trailed off. 

Bianca turned to face him. She didn't believe what she saw. Kaz Brekker was crying on her shoulder. She hesitated as she reached out and wiped the tears. 

"Hey, Kaz Brekker doesn't cry." She whispered quietly, "Please don't cry." 

"I don't want to go to school tomorrow." He mumbled his words slurred. 

"Lucky for you tomorrow is Saturday." She laughed softly. 

Kaz mumbled something as he fell asleep in her arms. She kissed the top of her friends head and closed her eyes. 

~

Kaz woke the next morning to a too bright light, a bad taste in his mouth and the smell of pancakes. He grabbed a sweatshirt and limped out of his room, not sure where is cane was. 

He saw Bianca flipping pancakes in his kitchen. Her short hair was up in a messy bun and she wore an oversized sweatshirt he recognized as his own. He liked the way she looked in his sweatshirt. 

He couldn't quite place why she was here, but he didn't mind. He trudged to the breakfast bar and sat down, resting his head against his hand.

Bianca looked up from her pancakes and smiled. "Good morning!" She smiled and nodded at the aspirin, water and cup of coffee sitting next to her, "For your hangover." 

Kaz reached for the aspirin, popping them into his mouth and then proceeding to take a swig of water to wash them down. He grabbed the coffee mug, cradling it in his hands. 

"I was drunk yesterday...?" Kaz mumbled mostly for himself. 

"Wasted." Bianca said putting the pancakes on a separate plate and putting more batter on the pan. 

He frowned, "Thanks for taking care of me I guess." 

Bianca looked up, "Why wouldn't I? I'm your friend, aren't I?" 

Kaz nodded took a sip from his mug. He shifted in his seat and looked up at her. She'd seen him cry like a baby last night and she was still here. 

Bianca's phone rang and he groaned at the sound. 

"Hey, no, I'm fine...Yeah I went to visit Kaz and...No, we did not...I swear...Mom!" Bianca's cheeks were dusted a light pink. "No, he just didn't want to...Mom, stop. I'll sign a paper that says I'm still a virgin if you want me to." 

Kaz choked on his coffee looking up at Bianca as she flipped a pancake. 

"Yeah, sure. I could get Jesper to give me a ride if it's really that big a deal." Bianca's grip tightened around the spatula. "What? Mom, stop, you're overreacting. Mom, leave it." 

Bianca had let go of the spatula now, "Mom, stop. What the hell, you can't." 

Kaz watched as she started pacing back and forth. He could hear yelling from the other end and saw Bianca's eyes watering. Bianca hung up and dropped her head to her hands, her elbows on the counter. 

"B...?"

"She kicked me out. Not just like come back when you're ready to apologize but like out for good." Bianca mumbled into her hands, "She blamed me for Kat's death and now she thinks we...never mind. Point is we don't get along well. And I have until tomorrow to get my stuff out." 

Kaz hesitated, his hand was ungloved. He grabbed his glove off the counter, reaching to her had once it was on. He grabbed her hand and squeezed gently. She looked up at him and smiled, returning to the pancakes. 

Kaz  
Is everyone available today? 

Wylan  
Jesper and I are free, why?

Nina  
I'm free

Nina  
Matt is also free, and if he's not I'll make him 

Inej  
I don't have anything until 8 

"Kaz, what are you doing?" Bianca looked down at her phone. 

"Getting our friends help. So you don't have to move everything out on your own." Kaz looked up at her. "Unless you don't want to...?"

Bianca shook her head, "I'd like that. But won't it hurt your leg?" 

Kaz shrugged and returned to his phone. 

Kaz  
We need to help Bianca move her stuff to my place 

Nina  
Your place?

Bianca  
Unless anyone else would like a pet Bianca 

Wylan  
You aren't a pet

Bianca  
Fight me, Wylan

Kaz  
She got kicked out

Jesper  
Sorry B :(

Inej  
^^  
Wylan  
That sucks

Kaz  
So can you guys help?

Nina  
Of course, what time?

Bianca  
1?

Jesper  
I'll bring the trailer 

Bianca  
Thank you guys <33333

Bianca turned off the griddle. She grabbed two plates and forks. She handed Kaz a plate and let him get his food first. 

Bianca helped herself to the pancakes and stood on the other side of the breakfast bar as she ate her food hungrily. 

"B, you can sit down you know?" Kaz raised an eyebrow. 

Bianca looked up from her food and frowned, "Oh, I mean, I'm fine standing." 

Kaz frowned and let it go.

-

One rolled around and Inej picked up Bianca and Kaz. Jesper, Wylan, Nina and Matthias were already there talking to James in the driveway. 

Kaz in the front seat moved to get out, "My moms home...I think you should stay here?" Bianca grabbed his arm. 

Kaz studied her face for a moment before shaking his head no. He got out despite her protests and walked over towards her friends and James. 

James enveloped her in a hug, "I can't believe mom finally followed through on her word. I'll miss you." 

"Wait, what?" Bianca raised an eyebrow stepping backwards.

"She always said was going to kick you out, she needed an excuse. You do have somewhere to go, right?" James asked reaching for his sister. 

"Where's mom?" Bianca asked pushing him away. 

"Kitchen, why?" 

"Just show them where my room is. Nina and Inej can take care of the top two dresser drawers." Bianca pushed past her friends and storming into the house.

She found her mom in the kitchen and unleashed her fury. "You were always going to kick me out?" 

"You're the reason Kat's dead." Her mom sipped her coffee lazily. 

"I did not tell her to take that bullet for me!" Bianca slammed her hands on the table. 

"Don't talk back to me!" Her mom stood up now. 

"No, get over it Mom, Kat's dead. We buried her, WE SAID GOODBYE. I said goodbye. Why can't you?" Bianca whispered the last part. 

Her mom calmly walked around the table. It was a quiet calm that chilled Bianca. She wanted to run to her room and hide but she stood her ground. Her hands balled to stop them from shaking with fear.

Her mothers hand came across her face before she knew what was happening, "Be grateful for what you have! That you're still alive!" She was pushed backwards and toppled onto the floor after hitting her head on the cupboard. 

"Mom!" 

"No, listen to me! You take everything for granted. Your phone, your clothes, your stupid books, your stupid stupid beating heart!" There was a sharp kick to the side and Bianca cried out. 

"Mom, please!" 

"No. You are spoiled, rotten, good for nothing artist. You'll go no where, you'll do nothing. Because you have no where to go!" Another strike across her face and Bianca was on the floor sobbing. 

"Momma, please." She whimpered. 

She looked up and sat the alcohol on the counter behind her. Where Kaz had been a blubbering drunk baby, her mother was an abusive drunk. She should have checked first. 

She wouldn't be laying on the floor being kicked and punched. 

Her mother turned around grabbed the bottle, dumping the contents on the floor. She raised it over her head and Bianca scrambled to her feet, out of the way just as the glass shattered. 

Bianca screamed and ran out the exit. She ran straight into Kaz. He caught her and steadied them both. 

"We need to leave!" She sobbed, gripping his arm. 

"They got your stuff in Jesper's trailer, we can go." Kaz assured her, giving her a gentle push forwards. 

She came out still sobbing. Her friends looked on both sympathetically and warily. Nina hopped out of Matthias's car and ran to Bianca, holding her in a tight embrace. 

Kaz limped towards Inej's car again, climbing in next to her. Inej looked at the bruises forming on Bianca and frowned. 

Nina walked Bianca to Inej's car and let her climb into the backseat. 

Bianca sat silently the whole drive and sat down on Kaz's couch silently as her friends brought her stuff into Kaz's apartment and into the spare bedroom. Jesper and Wylan were the last to leave.

They both looked like they wanted to say something but had no words to say. Kaz sat down next to Bianca. 

"I'm sorry." Bianca whispered. 

"For what?" Kaz frowned.

"I'm sorry you had to be there when we fought. None of you needed that." Bianca said leaning against his shoulder. 

Kaz held her close and shook his head, "Your safe now. That's all that matters." He paused, "Do you like movies?" 

Bianca nodded. 

He smiled, "I have a big selection of movies. Why don't you go change into something more comfortable than jeans and we'll watch a movie. Any movie." 

Bianca looked over at him, "Do you have popcorn?"

Kaz nodded, "We wouldn't be watching a movie without popcorn." 

Bianca nodded and started to get up. She paused, "Thank you." She got up and went to her room, not without giving him a kiss on the cheek.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters

Bianca's friends had arranged her room perfectly, her bed had even been made and the books put nicely onto the shelf in the guest room. She smiled, grabbing her pajamas and shutting the door tight. She changed quickly, realizing she'd been wearing Kaz's sweatshirt. 

She laid it on the dresser and smiled, throwing her hair up in a messy bun. She walked out of what she was happy to call her room and saw Kaz making popcorn. 

She hadn't looked at herself in the mirror, not wanting to see the bruises, but her face and sides ached. She imaged that if they didn't bruise they were still red. 

Kaz looked up when she sat at the breakfast bar in front of him. A frown formed on his face. "She got you good, B." He whispered.

Bianca nodded, "I know." 

Kaz walked towards the freezer, pulling out a bag of frozen peas. "Same effect as an ice pack." He tossed them and a towel to wrap them in. 

Bianca thanked him, placing the peas on her cheek as she walked towards the couch, curling up under a blanket. Kaz eventually came in with a bowl of popcorn. He smiled down at Bianca. 

"What movie?"

"What do you have?" She sat up. 

Kaz walked towards a cabinet next to the TV and opened the door revealing hundreds of movies. Bianca's eyes widened scanning the titles. She grabbed one and handed it to him. 

"I should have asked what movies you don't have." She smiled turning to sit down. 

Kaz looked between her and the movie a few times as he closed the cabinet. "You do know this is scary right?" 

"I'm not a little kid." She insisted as he put the movie in.

Kaz shrugged, "Don't say I didn't warn you," as he hit the lights and sat down on the opposite end on the couch. 

Bianca stretched her legs over his lap as the movie started. Kaz wasn't paying attention, he was watching Bianca. Eventually she noticed and looked over at him. 

"What?" 

Kaz shook his head, "Nothing." 

Bianca reached for the remote, pausing the movie. She swung her legs down from Kaz's lap and curled them underneath her. 

"Tell me." Bianca leaned against the back of the couch, "I know you better than this." 

Kaz looked at her. From the light of the movie, he couldn't see her eyes behind her glasses. He loved her eyes. 

"Nothing, B. I'm just...tired." He tried. 

"I may not understand you entirely but you can't lie to me, Brekker." She stood up, "I'll be in my room when your ready to talk to me." She picked up the popcorn bowl, throwing some at him before going back to her room.

Bianca left the door or her room slightly ajar and she pulled out her phone, texting Wylan. She also slipped on Kaz's sweatshirt. 

Bianca   
What's with Kaz and his secret keeping?

Wylan  
He likes his privacy, I think he likes to make a show of everything

Bianca  
No doubt about that

Bianca looked up, turning her phone off as Kaz knocked on the door. Bianca flipped her phone screen down on the bed and told him to come in. 

"Is that my sweatshirt?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"Yes, it's very comfortable thank you for the donation." Bianca joked. 

"Come on, give it back." Kaz stepped forwards holding out his hand. 

"No way." Bianca laughed then froze, "Was it Jordie's?" 

Kaz shook his head and help out his hand for the sweatshirt. Bianca pouted as she took off the sweater. Her t-shirt started coming up to, before she tugged it down and pulled the sweater all the way off. 

Kaz swallowed forcing himself not to think about her like that. He took the sweatshirt and turned out of the room. 

"Hey, Kaz, where are you going!" Bianca called after him. 

There was only the shutting of his door. 

-

The next morning Kaz woke to the sound of the running shower. He laid in bed until it stopped. He got up, changing into jeans and a t-shirt. He walked out of his room with his cane, seeing Bianca in a tank top and sweatpants, ringing out her wet hair. 

She turned to face him and smiled, "I went for a run this morning and had to use your key, it's in my room still." 

Kaz nodded slowly, "You didn't seem like the athletic type." He walked past her to the bread and the toaster. 

She shrugged, "I don't do sports or anything, I just like to keep myself in decent shape. You still never told me why you were staring last night." 

Kaz put his bread in the toaster and went to the fridge to get butter. 

"It was nothing, B." 

Bianca got up, going over the counter. She stood in Kaz's way, very close. She crossed her arms. 

"So, help me Kaz, if you don't tell me I'll beat you with your own cane." She narrowed her eyes.

"You also didn't strike me as the violent type." Kaz stalled. 

Bianca reached for the cane and Kaz reeled, almost falling over. Kaz glared at her as his toast popped up. 

"Kaz, you can tell me anything." She put her hand over his on his cane. 

"You looked very beautiful last night, can I get my toast now?" Kaz raised an eyebrow as her hands fell from the cane. 

Bianca stepped backwards. He knew now. He knew about Kat, she didn't have a secret, but the panic rose up in her chest again. 

Why, whenever he called her beautiful, did she close up and let panic take over? Did the idea of someone loving her scare her so badly? Kat loved her, hadn't she? That's why she died for her. She didn't want anyone to die for her. 

"B? Bianca? Are you okay?" Kaz reached for her and she stumbled to the side away from her. 

Her breaths became quick and panicked. She fell to the ground as tears flooded her eyes. She didn't let herself cry like she did in front of Wylan and Jesper. 

He knelt next to her and she scoot backwards on the floor. 

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you, okay? Just breath, slowly." He stayed where he was, "I need you to calm down." 

Bianca refused to look him in the eyes but steadied her breathing, her hands balling into fists for a second and then relaxing. 

Bianca stood up quickly moving past him and locking the door to her room. 

Kaz pulled out his phone, creating a chat without Bianca. 

Kaz  
Anyone know anything about Bianca and panic attacks?

Matthias  
Panic attacks?

Kaz  
Yes

Wylan   
She had a panic attack????

Kaz  
Yes

Jesper  
What did you say, Brekker?

Nina  
I love assuming it's Kaz's fault 

Inej  
I bet it was 

Kaz   
I told her she looked beautiful last night and asked if I could get my toast...idk why she freaked out 

Wylan  
You're an idiot, Kaz Brekker 

Jesper  
I second that 

Matthias   
I would like to third fourth and fifth that 

Nina   
I sixth that 

Inej  
Seventh 

Kaz  
So, Bianca and panic attacks

Wylan   
I'll ask her

Jesper   
Sometimes I think Wylan is straight for Bianca 

Wylan   
Definitely

Kaz   
Fight me, Van Eck

Nina  
Aww 

Inej  
Kaz is head over heels

Kaz  
Am not 

Wylan   
lol I'll let you know what I find out 

-

It had been a week or so since Bianca found out her own fears. Wylan tried to get her to talk but no such luck. They all tried but she avoided it. 

Her sunshine had diminished slightly. Not enough for Matthias or Jesper or Inej to pick up on it. But Wylan, Nina and Kaz noticed. She still smiled and laughed and made others feel good but something about her when she was quiet...It wasn't quite right.

Bianca set her tray down at the lunch table as Kaz took half her cookie. She ignored it, tucking her hair back. 

"Bianca, we all would like to talk to you. Actually, all of us but Kaz. Kaz leave." Nina interrupted Bianca's lunch. 

Kaz narrowed his eyes but got up slowly. "If this is what I think it is you're all dead to me." He turned and hobbled out of the cafeteria. 

"Kaz texted us a few weeks ago about a panic attack you had after he called you beautiful, again." Jesper moved to Kaz's seat, next to her, "Just like last time, but...this time he knows. We all know." 

Wylan took up Jesper's seat so he was closer, "You haven't been Bianca since." 

"The Bianca we know at least." Nina added. 

Bianca lowered her head, "Why do you think Kat took that bullet for me?" 

Jesper opened his mouth and froze. He put his hand over Bianca's in understanding. 

"I'm supposed to be getting something and I'm not." Wylan said glaring at his boyfriend. 

"Kat took the bullet for love. She loved me." Bianca looked over at Wylan, "I've been figuring Kaz out...He cares about me."

"She's afraid of someone loving her so much they'd die for her." Jesper concluded. 

Bianca nodded. She bit her lower lip self consciously for a moment. 

"Bianca any of us would take a bullet for you. Friendship is powerful." Nina pulled her into a hug. 

A tear rolled down her face, "Please don't take a bullet for me." 

Nina hugged her tightly. 

Jesper frowned, "Wylan, Bianca, lets go." 

"I do what I want." Wylan crossed his arms earning a glare from Jesper, "I do what you say." 

Jesper nodded, "Good boy." 

Wylan's cheeks turned pink as he hurried out after Jesper and Bianca. As they left the cafeteria they ignored Kaz calling after them. 

They climbed into the truck and Bianca leaned against the window. 

Once they got to the farm, Jesper brought them out to the stables. He introduced them to his white stallion, Pepper. He got them situated on their horses before climbing onto his own. 

Jesper lead them down into a meadow that was covered in the pretty colors of autumn. He grinned and looked back at Bianca who looked too distracted by the horse and the meadow to think about Kaz or anything else. Goal achieved. 

"This is beautiful, Jesper." She looked around in awe.

"How come you never take you out here?" Wylan pouted.

"Babe, you're always inside playing your flute or something." 

Bianca laughed at them, looking around the meadow. She took in a deep breath through her nose, smelling autumn. The way the leaves smelled, the way the Earth smelled. 

A smile broke out on her face.

-

Kaz sat through his last period alone. Usually him and Bianca would talk quietly while the teacher chose to ignore them. They'd finished the lesson early and Kaz sat tapping his fingers on the table impatiently. 

"Hi," a voice said causing him to look up. "I'm Kenya. I'm new around here..." 

She sat on his desk and Kaz leaned back at her sudden approach. Kenya's hair was a reddish blond color that fell to her waist. It was twisted in neat but loose ringlets. 

She pushed it over her shoulder as she leaned back on the desk. She wore a shoulderless crop top that Kaz was willing to bet broke two of the dress codes. He didn't doubt that her shorts were breaking a third. Her gold sandals wound up her calf, giving her the appeal of a goddess. 

She seemed quite the opposite Kaz noted. Decked in all black, including the makeup around her eyes. She was the opposite Bianca he realized with a crushing feeling on his chest. He didn't want to feel for Bianca that way, she was his friend and nothing more. 

"You and Bianca, huh?" She leaned over a bit, "I could show you a good time. You could keep your silly gloves on, you can find me a pair too, if you'd like. You could even call me Bianca."

Kaz stood up, gathering his cane and his bag, heading towards the door. The bell rang in two minutes. Two minutes, he told himself, two minutes and hitch a ride with Nina and Matthias. Hell, he'd call and uber if he had to.

Kenya came up next to him, "She left you here all alone. She's your friend, right? Friends don't do that. Especially not if they like you!"

She stepped closer so she was pressed against him. "I know you're too scared to tell her, I've been watching you. I know your too scared to feel what you feel. You can take it out on me and then...no more feelings." 

The crowd of students around the door seemed oblivious to the situation. No more feelings? No, he yelled at himself, not worth it. 

Kaz Brekker tapped his cane impatiently. The bell rang but Kenya followed. Despite how fast he made himself go, she followed right next to him. 

"Hey, you know what, I have another set of gloves in my locker. Why don't you go the janitors closet over there and wait...get yourself ready." He forced a smile. 

Kenya's face lit up and she rushed down the hall to the closet. He pulled out his phone dialing Nina's number. He told her she would be giving him a ride. He didn't ask, didn't beg. 

Kaz Brekker did neither of those things.

He climbed in the car and Matthias was in the drivers seat, glaring at him from the rear view mirror. Matthias was not a fan of Kaz's. Nina however, was Kaz's friend and Matthias had to put up with it. 

For Nina, Matthias had told Kaz the first time he got a ride from them. 

"You alright, Kaz?" Nina turned to look at him. 

He nodded. "Perfect." At least now that Kenya was stupidly waiting in a closet somewhere, he felt no remorse. 

"You seem jumpy." Nina analyzed. 

"Has Bianca been teaching you how to read me?" Kaz looked out the window as they began driving. 

"Yes, actually." Nina smiled. 

"Right." Kaz said tapping his finger on his knee.

-

Bianca got off the horse with Jesper's help. She laughed and looked back at the horse. 

"Thank you for that." Bianca smiled at Jesper. 

Wylan sat on his horse almost impatiently. "Jesper!" He whined, unable to get down. When he looked up, he even looked a bit scared. 

Jesper chuckled lightly and walked over to get the boy with strawberry blond curls. He lifted him up and to the ground. "Here you go, you big baby." 

Wylan crossed his arms defensively, "I'm not a baby." 

"You whine like one." Bianca mumbled petting the horses mane. 

Wylan stuck out his lower lip as Jesper enveloped him in a hug. Wylan kept his arms crossed and continued to pout as Jesper took care of the horses. 

Wylan sat on a bench next to Bianca. Wylan leaned against the wall, still pouting. 

"Wylan, please stop pouting, I can sense your pout from here!" Jesper called from one of the stables. 

"No you can't!" He yelled.

"No, but I know you." Jesper grinned as he walked over offering his hand to Wylan who took it and held onto it. Jesper helped Bianca to her feet and together they walked up to the house. 

"Can I stay for the night?" Bianca asked as they took off their shoes. 

Jesper nodded, headed towards the kitchen, "You're always welcome." 

Wylan went towards his room, probably for homework or useless work that he didn't have to do. Jesper never understood that, but once Wylan got excited about something...Jesper loved that look in his eyes. 

Bianca sat at the island and pulled out her phone. Kaz hadn't even called or texted to ask where she was. He probably didn't care. 

"He'll call," Jesper said as he pulled vegetables from the fridge.

"What?" Bianca asked confused.

"Kaz, he'll call you." Jesper smiled, "Or text, calling isn't really Kaz's thing." 

Bianca set her phone down meeting Jesper's eye, "He doesn't care."

Jesper laughed, "You know what's funny, Inej used to like him. He was her friend, sure but he didn't want to be with her. He cared about her, but this...I've never seen Kaz open to anyone like he has to you." 

There was a knock at the door. Bianca's brow furrowed and Jesper sent her a pleading look. 

Bianca nodded going over to the door. She twisted the lock and pulled the door open. Kaz stood there leaning against his cane. Nina and Matthias sat in the car in the driveway. 

Bianca's lips parted in confusion. "Kaz?" 

"You coming home?" Kaz asked, "Matthias is getting impatient." 

"I was going to stay here tonight."

Something in Kaz's eyes faltered. It didn't last long. He stood up straight. 

"Right." He turned and walked away, Nina looking at Bianca confused. 

-

Kaz willed himself not to turn around. He wanted to, he wanted to look at her face again but he didn't let himself. 

He sat down in his seat and kept his eyes from finding Bianca. Nina reached out for his hand but he jerked away. 

"I don't need comforting." He insisted. 

"Sure, Kaz." Nina turned around in her seat instead. 

Kaz didn't wait for the car to come to a complete stop, which his leg protested, as he walked toward his apartment building. He took the elevator and unlocked his apartment. 

He scavenged for the alcohol. He hid it so Bianca wouldn't get upset. I know what your thinking, Kaz doesn't seem like the drinking type. 

He doesn't do well with this whole "feeling stuff thing". He chooses to cope this way. He pulled it out from the depths of his closet and drank from the bottle. Just a few sips, enough to make his off balance and for his guard to lower. 

It was the only way he could relax. 

Perhaps this time it was too much.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters
> 
> the opening scene is MATURE

Kaz opened the door, stumbling as he went. Kenya stood at his door, covered in the rain from outside. Her face lit up when she saw the raven haired boy. 

She could tell Kaz was intoxicated, it was clear in his eyes and his words. She knew this were perfect conditions. Exactly what her boss paid her for. She shut the door behind her and quickly kissed Kaz's lips. 

She pulled away, tugging at his shirt, "Its me Bianca!" Kenya lied, moving to kiss his neck. 

She gasped as she was backed into the wall forcefully, Kaz's arms caging her in. Kenya looked nothing like Bianca, but with his drunkenness, she hoped it would be enough. 

"Kaz I need you." She said emphasizing the word need as she ran a hand through his hair. 

Kaz kissed her neck hungrily, "Anything for you Bianca." 

Kenya felt her self get lifted up onto the breakfast bar. She gasped softly. 

"Take me right here on this counter, Kaz Brekker." She purred.

As Kaz climbed on top of her, she could feel his eagerness. Kenya knew it was for Bianca, but it was her words and her body that had Kaz turned on. It ignited her own body. 

She made sure, through all their adventures that night, that Kaz remained intoxicated. She was curled against him in his bed that night when reality settled in. Kaz would pushed her away, maybe even try to kill her the next morning. He did not want her sober. He would not want her hung over. 

She pulled herself out of bed and made for her quick escape to the door. Running out without a trace of her left behind. 

-

Bianca laid on the spare bed looking up at the ceiling. They had school the next day and for the life of her, she couldn't sleep. Kaz seemed hurt when she'd said she was staying at Jesper's. 

Was it possible for Kaz to feel "hurt". Bianca still struggled with reading Kaz. Every now and again she got a glimpse of something and one clue led to the next. With so many missing pieces...it was hard to figure out.

She heard a knock as her door and stood up, going over to the door. Wylan stood there in his pajamas—black pants and a NASA t-shirt. 

"I was hoping you'd be awake!" He said happily, "I couldn't sleep either and Jesper was snoring and I didn't want to wake him up and you're awake so that's good! Did I wake you up?" 

Bianca laughed lightly as his rambling, "No you didn't." 

"Good! Come on!" He grabbed her arm and headed for the stairs, pausing to look into the room he and Jesper shared, "God, he's so cute when he sleeps." He muttered mostly to himself. 

Bianca laughed as they continued down the stairs. Wylan brought her onto the back porch. You could see all the stars tonight, with no clouds. 

"Woah." She marveled. 

Wylan nodded, "I come out here when I cant sleep. Which is most times. Did your mom hurt you a lot?" 

Bianca looked down suddenly, "Only if you gave her a drink." 

"I didn't mean to...I'm sorry!" Wylan said flustered. "My dad...he hurt me too before he kicked me out, you knew that. He's a business man and I had private tutors and everything. I could do everything but read and write. He called me useless and lazy while really it was dyslexia. He tried more tutors, beatings, private school...it never worked." 

Bianca frowned, "God, Wylan, I'm sorry! I didn't realize how bad it was." 

He shook his head, "It's okay. I'm just lucky I met Jesper and he let me stay with him. I'm lucky I have friends like you." 

Bianca smiled and looked back up at the sky. 

-

The next day at lunch, Kaz sat down grumpily. It silenced Jesper and Wylan's playful banter and stopped Inej and Bianca from doing their homework and made Matthias pull Nina's chair closer. 

"You seem unusually pissed." Bianca muttered passing him half her sandwich. 

He looked down at the sandwich, unwilling to meet her eyes. He was so drunk last night he thought it was really her. She'd looked so different but Kenya let him believe it was her. He'd taken off his gloves and touched her and let her touch him. 

He didn't offer anyone that luxury. He thought he had for Bianca. 

He shoved the sandwich back at her and it hit her binder, sending it flying at her. The tomatoes stained her white shirt along with the mustard she had equipped the sandwich with. 

He wanted her to scream at him. He wanted her to be mad, he messed up, he wanted her to yell. Instead, she only frowned and asked if Nina or Inej had an extra shirt. 

"Kaz!" a girls voice called out. Kaz cursed quietly, looking over his shoulder as Kenya came skipping over. 

She sat on the table, sitting ignorantly on Inej's homework. Kaz swallowed the bile and the nerves. 

"Who are you?" He narrowed his eyes. 

The girl never faltered, "I didn't think you were that drunk last night. But you did keep calling me the wrong name..." she frowned, "What was it the you moaned?" 

"I'll ask again, who are you?" He raised an eyebrow. 

Don't hit her, he told himself. Don't show any fear. Act ignorant. 

"B....Brittany? Beatrice? Betty? B...B...Bia..Bianca!" She laughed, "That's what it was!" 

Bianca's face turned red and tears flooded her eyes. 

"Maybe we'll play again and you can call me by my name." She winked and skipped off. 

"Jesper, that guest room..." Bianca's voice cracked.

Jesper nodded in shock, "It's yours B." 

Bianca gathered her things quickly stuffing them into her bag. She zipped up the yellow bag and slung it over her shoulder. As she turned to leave Kaz grabbed her hand. But he had nothing to say. They both knew it.

"Let go, Brekker." She said, it was low and resentful. 

-

Bianca stormed to the empty gym and threw her bag at the wall. She grabbed the basketballs and threw them angrily. 

Kenya had hinted enough of the situation. She'd gotten Kaz when he was drunk and he thought it was her. He moaned her name as he...as they...

She threw another basketball at the wall. She went to pick up a basketball and saw none. He didn't like her that way, he was incapable of that much emotion. She flopped to the ground in defeat. But Kenya said he...God she didn't want to think about it. 

The gym doors opened and she turned to see Kenya. In her mind she saw herself throwing the basketball wrack at the girls face and feeling satisfied. 

Why was she so upset? Kaz wasn't hers. He was no ones. She was a jealous bitch for no reason. 

"I still don't get why Kaz likes you. Your mother was right to hit you. You're utterly worthless." Kenya circled Bianca on the ground. "Kaz is so stupid to love you." Bianca said nothing. "Meet me here tomorrow or your mom will have a restraining order placed on Kaz! He'll never be allowed near you!" 

"For what?" Bianca spoke finally. 

"Taking her daughter away." Kenya smiled, "She pays good money for revenge."

Kenya's fist connected with her cheek—hard. Bianca watched as the girl skipped out of the gym. 

-

Kaz watched Bianca sit back down, a red mark on her cheek bruising. 

"Woah, what the hell, Bianca?" Nina spoke up reaching for her friend. 

She jerked away, her chair bumping into Kaz's. She turned to look at him for a minute. He saw the quick rise and fall of her breath and knew what was coming. 

"Bianca, breath." He said quietly. 

She shook her head, "What Kenya said." Her chest rose and fell fast, "Was she lying?" 

Kaz shook his head, "No. Now take a slow breath. Please, B." 

Bianca moved her chair backwards, "I need to get outside. There's not enough...oxygen...The walls are too close. I can't see." She gasped going to stand and falling out of her chair. 

The cafeteria went silent, turning to look at her. Jesper went over to her, taking off her bag and grabbing her hand. 

"Bianca, please. Breath in, and then out, and in." Jesper said calmly, breathing with her. Despite the tight grip she had on his arm, he said nothing. Despite her attempts to push him away, he kept trying until she had calmed down. 

Kaz had left the cafeteria by the time she recovered. He didn't like seeing her like that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters
> 
> some scenes include bullying

Bianca made her way to the gym first. Kenya was there already. Her hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail and the rest of her long hair was curled. A grin lit up her face.

Her leather jacked covered her shoulders, but Bianca rightfully assumed the shirt she wore was strapless. She wore skinny jeans today instead of the short shorts she'd been wearing. Bianca swallowed her nerves and faced her enemy. 

"You actually came!" She clapped her hands.

Bianca managed a weak nod of her head. "I'm here." 

Kenya took off the jacket, proving Bianca's hunch to be right. She brought her leg up hitting Bianca hard in the side. Bianca cried out falling over. 

Kenya's laughter filled the gymnasium. Bianca felt Kenya's converse connect with her nose and blood gushed almost immediately. Bianca cried out again, curling in on her self and she felt Kenya's foot hit her head. 

-

The next few days went the same way. She went to the gym each day before lunch and returned with a new bruise and no reasonable explanation. How could she say that she cared about Kaz this much? 

Kaz wouldn't understand. None of them would. 

She limped towards the gym, leaning on day six of Kenya's torture. She opened the doors and felt something collide with the back of her head. She felt on the ground without so much as a sound. 

At this point her tears were gone and struggling was futile. She was too weak to care. 

"Hey!" A voice called from the bleachers. 

Bianca lifted her head and Kenya turned around. Matthias came out from under the bleachers, he was big and scary looking. Especially now that he was angry. 

Kenya glared at Bianca, "Did you tell them!" She screeched. 

Bianca shook her head rolling away as Kenya tempted to stomp on her head. Kenya's foot never hit the ground, Matthias lifted her from the ground. 

"Bianca, go back to the cafeteria. I'll be there shortly," Matthias said effortlessly holding onto Kenya. 

Bianca nodded limping along to the cafeteria. She had barely gotten the door open by the time she tackled in a hug by Nina. 

"Oh thank god! Where's Matt...?" Nina asked holding Bianca close. 

"Taking Kenya to the office." She turned as they walked past. At least Matt was walking. He carried a struggling Kenya. 

"How come you didn't come to us about this?" Nina asked carefully sitting her down. 

"My mom hired her to separate Kaz and I." Bianca admitted not meeting Kaz's eyes. 

She wasn't upset anymore she just couldn't look at him the same way. Not after what Kenya had said. She had gotten her stuff when Kaz was sleeping and left her key on the coffee table. 

Jesper and Wylan gave her her space and almost everyday she went down to the meadow with her headphones in. She never spoke about her bruises to them, but now they all knew. 

"Why would she do that?" Kaz spoke up. 

"She thinks we slept together and apparently you do to," said Bianca bitterly. She turned to Jesper. "Can you take me home early?" 

Jesper nodded, "Now?" 

"Please?"

Jesper leaned over to kiss Wylan's cheek before gathering his supplies. He grabbed Bianca's bag for her as the two headed out. 

"Bianca?" Jesper started as he pulled out of the parking lot. "Why didn't you come to us?" 

"How could I tell you guys that I care about Kaz that much? That I'd let someone beat me to hell just so I wouldn't be separated from him despite me having moved out. How was I supposed to tell you guys, tell him, that?" Bianca raised an eyebrow. 

"Were you not there for the part about him thinking it was you and taking off his gloves...? He never takes those damn things off." Jesper shook his head as he stopped at a red light.

"The thought makes me sick." Bianca muttered, "Kenya doing that to Kaz..." 

"A sexually active Kaz..." Jesper shuddered. 

Bianca paused and turned to him, "A sexually confident Kaz?" 

Jesper laughed, "I don't find that one hard to believe." 

"Because you've been sexually attracted to him?" Bianca tilted her head to the side. 

Jesper was easy to read. He constantly and indirectly spilled his secrets—that's why he had none. Bianca read him easily, all the time.

"What?" His laugh was nervous. 

"Your with Wylan now, sure, but before him? You didn't have feeling for Kaz?" Bianca turned he radio down. 

"Even if I did, it wouldn't matter! He's not...he doesn't..." Jesper tried, stuttering over words. 

"He's not gay?" Bianca tried.

"Or bi, or pan or anything..." Jesper's voice had a certain desperation to it. 

"You did like him." Bianca decided. 

"I did." Emphasis on did, "Then Wylan came along...He's an innocent little teddy bear! How could I not like him, you know?" 

Jesper's hit the wheel hard and reached to turn the radio up. Bianca grabbed his arm, trying to calm him down.

"I think it's what Kaz feels for you, in a way." Jesper continued.

"Did you call me a teddy bear?" Bianca raised her eyebrows, laughing. 

Jesper laughed, "Not the point!" 

-

Bianca had found her way back to the meadow. She laid down and looked up at the cloudy sky. Her headphones were in as she laid in the cool grass. Her phone was laid on her stomach with one arm behind her head. 

She still ached from Kenya's beating but according to Nina's messages earlier, Kenya was suspended. That's all she needed to hear. Now she wanted to hear nothing but her music. 

She couldn't stand to think about whatever was happening in Kaz's head. Or in her very own. She also chose to ignore her mothers desire for vengeance. 

She almost chose to ignore Kaz's voice calling for her in the meadow. Laying in the tall grass, she was hard to spot, but Kaz found her quickly. 

"Bianca." Kaz leant over and tugged out her headphone. 

She turned to look up at him as he sat down. "How could Jesper betray me like this!" She was only joking but a semi-frown appeared on Kaz's face. 

"Are you okay?" Kaz sat carefully next to her. 

"No. There's a lot going on in my head right now. For example, what Kenya said about you and her." She sat up, pulling out her other headphone.

"I was drunk," Kaz defended. 

"Idiot. I thought I got rid of all the alcohol." Bianca shook her head, "Why were you drunk?" 

"Why did you let Kenya beat you up?" Kaz asked, turning his head.

"Here's the thing Kaz, I will answer that question. You won't. You are your secrets...you can never have enough privacy, can you?" 

"I told you about my brother, Bianca." Kaz never called her by her full name so violently, so angrily that it startled her, "No one else knows that! What do you want from me?" He was yelling now. Bianca leaned away from him out of fear. 

This was more feeling than Kaz had ever shown but it wasn't what Bianca wanted. This was anger, not the feelings she'd wanted him to display. 

"Your feelings!" She yelled, "You don't tell me anything! You don't tell me how you feel and you sleep with Kenya because you think it's me but you still won't tell me anything Kaz! I need you to tell me what's happening in your head!" 

Kaz blinked, his voice soft, "I don't know how to do that." 

"I didn't go to anyone because I didn't want to be separated from you! There was going to be a restraining order against you! I couldn't lose you!" She cried out. 

Kaz brought his good leg up, resting his head on his knee. "I messed up good." 

Bianca shrugged, "Probably." 

"Sharing isn't my forte, B." He said gently, "We both know what happened. We both know why. I can't find it within me to speak it."

"When you're ready to share, I'm ready to listen." Bianca nodded. 

"Are you going to stay here? On Jesper's farm?" Kaz asked. 

Bianca shook her head with a light laugh, "While this meadow is nice, the smell of horse and cow manure...one can only stand it so long. Not sure how Jesper and Wylan bear it." 

"They're too in love to see the rest of the world." Kaz let out a chuckle.

The sound sent chills through Bianca. Never had she heard a more satisfying sound than this boy's laugh. She guessed not many people got to hear it and she was honored to be one who did.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters
> 
> there is a mature-ish scene in the end

Nina started the fire, watching the flame try to devour the wood. The sun was just beginning to set and everything was ready for her friends to arrive.

Matthias stood next to her, afraid she might burn herself. She stood up and took his hand, his sweatshirt drowning her, but she seemed content. 

"You know, we should try and get Kaz and Bianca together this weekend." Nina suggested, looking up at her boyfriend.

Matthias gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "Playing matchmaker doesn't always work. Remember Inej and Kaz...that didn't work!" 

"But we know they both like each other this time!" Nina jumped up and down. 

"I'm not getting involved." Matthias insisted, bringing a pout to Nina's lips.

He sighed leaning over to kiss them, drawing her close. Nina, when they pulled apart, rested her head on his chest. 

"I'll let it happen on its own...but I can still encourage them." Nina mumbled softly, hugging him. 

Matthias nodded, rubbing her back gently. The two stared at the building flames until a car door caused Nina to squeal happily. She kissed Matthias on the cheek and ran back up towards the cabin. 

-

When being told that they were all going on a camping trip, Bianca didn't know what to pack. Kaz had to help her, limping around the room, occasionally (and awkwardly) opening the wrong drawers. 

Eventually, they found old t-shirts and jeans and a couple sweatshirts (one donated by Kaz) to last the few days they'd be spending there. Bianca was both nervous and excited. After the past weeks events (and her fading bruises), she was worried things would get awkward fast. 

Kaz and her made a silent agreement not to talk about it. She hoped the others would catch on. 

As promised, Jesper arrived in his truck, Jesper and Wylan in the front and Inej waiting in the back. Kaz and Bianca brought their bags out, putting them into the trunk and then climbed in. 

Bianca first and then Kaz. 

"How far is this cabin?" Bianca asked leaning between the two front seats. 

"An hour or so..." Jesper said as he took off. 

"So help me if you play country the WHOLE time." Inej threatened from next to Bianca. 

Wylan laughed lightly, reaching over to turn the station. Jesper pouted in the drivers seat. Wylan kissed his cheek as they drove on.

-

Finally they arrived and Bianca nearly crawled over Kaz to get out. Kaz cast her a glare and got out as slow as possible, angering Bianca. Only Bianca saw the small grin that worked its way onto his face. Together they got their bags and headed towards the front door. 

Nina came barreling up to the car, tackling Bianca to the ground. Bianca groaned and tried to get Nina off her.

"Nina!" Bianca shoved her off, laughter filling the air, "Ow!" 

Nina pouted, "Fine, more love for Inej." Nina got up and hugged Inej instead, glaring at Bianca. 

Kaz helped Bianca to her feet and together they walked into the cabin where Matthias was waiting. 

"Yeah, so, Nina's a psychopath—WHO I LOVE IN CASE SHES LISTENING—and she's put Wylan and Jesper together, Inej in the biggest room we've got and you two together and then her and I and I'm sorry for whatever she does..." Matthias scratched behind his ear, "Like I said she's crazy and I can't control her so...Yeah upstairs second door on the left." 

Bianca shrugged and started towards the room, Kaz limping up the stairs. Bianca knew better than to ask to help him. He didn't like being viewed as lesser because of his wounds. 

She opened the door and threw her stuff down on the only queen bed. 

"Dammit Nina." She muttered quietly as Kaz limped in and throwing down his bag. He sat up on the bed and rubbed his leg. 

"You okay?" Bianca wondered, sitting in her side. 

Kaz nodded, "Fine. I think I should avoid stairs." 

"There's probably a bedroom on the first floor?" Bianca asked, setting her bag on the dresser and starting to fill the drawers. 

"I said I should avoid stairs, not that I should move my room." Kaz sounded angry though he didn't show it. 

Bianca ignored his comment, "Are you okay with sharing a room? I know that with what happened..." 

"We don't talk about it." Kaz snapped causing Bianca to flinch. "Sorry..."

"Are you? Are you capable of feeling sorry?" Bianca turned around angrily. 

"I'm sorry what?" Kaz seemed taken aback. 

"Nothing. You know what, never mind. I am going to go back outside," she paused slipping the sweatshirt over her head, it was Kaz's, "I would like to talk through what happened with Kenya. I was willing to wait but this is getting too far beyond okay. We don't have to talk while we're here, but soon Kaz."

Kaz looked semi-defeated as Bianca grabbed her phone as she stormed out. Kaz raised an eyebrow: why was she so bitchy?

-

Inej was the only one out by the fire when Bianca went out there. Inej could see by Bianca's expression how annoyed she was. 

"What'd Kaz do?" Inej was leaned back in her chair.

"I want to talk about everything that happened with Kenya." Bianca crossed her arms. "But he's like a thirteen year olds diary, locked with key and stuffed under a bed—impossible to read." 

Inej shrugged, "You'll figure him out." 

"Will I?" Bianca wondered. 

Inej laughed, "One can only remain a mystery for so long. Maybe get beaten up a few more times and then he'll open up? Or maybe if you're on the brink of death! Mmm, probably still not good enough." 

"You make him sound like an asshole, Inej." Jesper laughed, sitting down. 

Wylan sat in the chair next to Jesper, "Ninety-nine percent of the time he is." 

"I hope we're talking about Kaz." Matthias said in greeting. 

Bianca nodded, "I don't get him. One second he's sleeping with someone because he thinks she's me and the next he avoids emotion like the plague." 

"Kaz is clearly indecisive." Nina suggested. 

"No, there's just five millions shades of Kaz." Jesper laughed, poking the fire with a stick. 

That earned him a glare from Nina. She worked hard to make that fire and if Jesper ruined it in the slightest he was a dead man. 

"No, he was just drunk when Kenya cornered him." Bianca mumbled, the sad realization smacking her in the face. "That's all there was to it."

"Finally, someone understands me." Kaz sat down in the empty seat next to Bianca, "It's interesting what people say behind your backs." 

Everyone sat quietly looking at the fire. No one meant to make fun of Kaz, though they doubted he was actually offended. 

"From what I gathered, Inej thinks I'm heartless, Wylan thinks I'm an ass ninety-nine percent of the time, Matthias thinks he comes off as an asshole, Bianca still can't understand me, Nina thinks I'm indecisive, and Jesper thinks there are several sides of me." Kaz paused for effect, "Best of all, Bianca finally understood something about me and I hate all of you so it's a good day." 

"Hate you, too." Jesper laughed, looking at the fire. 

Bianca sat leaning forwards slightly, her eyes fixed on the fire. 

Kaz was an emotionless asshole, but he wasn't bad at making choices—he just confessed his feelings best when he drunk. When he couldn't hold his tongue and control himself. 

He liked control. He had a lot of that in his life, but Bianca had upset that control. She was an unpredictable variable and it set him on edge. 

Holding his tongue and controlling what people knew about him was his specialty. When he was drunk he let everything go. Sober, well, it was like there was nothing.

Bianca sat up straight suddenly, stretching her arms across her lap. 

"You okay, Bianca?" Nina asked leaning forwards to look at her. 

"I've been living under the assumption that someone has feelings for me when really they're just keeping me close because I upset the control they had." Bianca didn't look at Kaz, she didn't need to, "So no, Nina I am not okay." 

"Great. Awkward tension." Matthias complained. 

Bianca's hands balled into fists for a second and she closed her eyes. Even she thought she might pounce at Matthias. She stood up so quick her chair fell over. 

She grabbed one of the chocolate bars from Nina and stormed up to the room she was to be sharing with Kaz. 

-

When Kaz returned to their room for the night, Bianca was sleeping. At least that's what he saw upon first glance, but after gathering his clothes to change, he saw the uneven rise and fall of her breaths. 

She was awake.

Kaz wasn't sure if the storm or he had woken her. Frankly, it didn't matter, but she was mad at him and a storm was brewing right over their heads. She was in for a lonely and terrifying night. 

He emerged from the bathroom and tossed his clothes on his side of the room. He sat down carefully and set his cane against the wall. Thunder rattled the house and Bianca jumped up.

"Relax, it's just a storm." Kaz said, careful not to cringe at his own cruel words. 

Bianca sat frozen, looking at Kaz as he laid down. 

"You're heartless, Brekker." Bianca's stare became a glare quickly. 

"My leg might be damaged but my heart works just fine." Kaz said reaching to turn off the lamp.

"Kaz, leave it on." Bianca begged. 

Kaz glanced at her, "You're a big girl, you can sleep in the dark."

He returned to reaching to the lamp, despite Bianca's begging. When he switched it off, she scrambled across the bed and turned it on again. 

In the light, Kaz saw just how close he and Bianca were. In Bianca's desperate scramble, she wound up straddling Kaz's waist. Kaz, sitting up partially, was inches from Bianca's face as she leaned over to turn on the lamp. 

A blush crept up her cheeks but neither of them could gather the courage to move. That is, until thunder rumbled and Bianca jumped, her outstretched hand finding his. His bare, ungloved hands. 

His breath hitched and he looked over at their hands. He looked up at her, her facial expression the same shock he felt.

"I'm sorry." She started to let go and Kaz only held on tighter. 

"Kenya was hired by your mom to drive a wedge between us?" Kaz leaned back against the pillows, moving their hands so they rested on his chest. 

"Yes." Bianca answered, "When the...sex didn't create the tension she wanted she decided beating me would keep us apart." 

A bittersweet laugh erupted from her chest as she leaned back slightly against his knees. In the low light, Kaz couldn't help but admire her beauty. Radiating sunshine had to do with more than her personality, he realized. 

She was glowing, constantly. Outshining everything, even the actual stars. 

"It worked." Bianca frowned. "Why did you lie about throwing out all the alcohol?" 

"Because I knew how you felt about it." 

Bianca looked down at their hands, "Everyone teases that you care about me."

"Who says I don't?" Kaz tilted his head to the side. 

Bianca took her other hand, gently running it along Kaz's smooth ungloved hand. He watched her delicate fingers search for a reason he kept them gloved. 

Her frown remained as she looked up at him, "You certainly have a funny way of showing it." 

Lightning lit up the room and she braced herself for the thunder, gripping Kaz's hand tightly. He found both his hands holding hers, caressing them gently, calming her. 

"Forgive me if I'm bad with emotions. It's not my strong suit." Kaz said as the thunder faded into the distance and Bianca peeled her eyes open. 

Bianca looked down at him. "Forgive me if I feel everything." She mumbled and leaned down quicker than even Kaz could react. 

Her lips moved against his and his hands quickly found her waist, his lips moving with hers. Bianca's hands cupped his cheeks gently, she was in control. 

Kaz liked it better when he was in control. 

He flipped them over, fast and sudden but still gentle. Bianca's short blonde hair lay around her like a halo, her blue eyes searching his, probably wondering if he was drunk or if she was dreaming. His breathing was heavy from the kiss and he straddled her, resting his weight on his knees and hands, afraid to crush her.

"This is a lot of emotion for the same five minutes." Bianca mumbled, her arms around his neck. 

"I'm an emotional mess, B. I just know how to contain it, but not now." He leaned down again, his lips finding hers once again. 

Bianca ran a hand through his hair and she did it so delicately Kaz suspected she wanted to do that for a while. Bianca pulled away, placing a small kiss on his jaw. 

She yelped as thunder shook the room, gripping Kaz's shoulders. He chuckled softly, sitting up straight. 

"Maybe not tonight." 

She nodded in agreement as he laid back down next to her. She slipped her legs under the blankets and Kaz followed suit. She hesitated before turning into his side. 

"You can turn the light off." She decided and a small smile formed on his lips as he turned them off, holding her close.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later chapters will mention abuse and eating disorders, a warning will be mentioned before those chapters

Wylan woke to the sound of Jesper taking a shower. He sat up, looking at the empty half of them bed. It was disappointment that filled his system. He'd hoped to lay in bed with Jesper for the morning. 

At Jesper's house, his dad had them up and working on the farm before Wylan was consciously aware of his surroundings. He'd be shoveling cow manure and suddenly realizing that he was shoveling cow manure. He hauled himself out of bed and changed into pants and a t-shirt he wore around Jesper's farm.

Wylan opened the door as Bianca slipped down the hall, humming happily. He raised an eyebrow and followed her down the stairs. Nina and Matthias were making breakfast, bickering about how to make the sausage when Bianca came in, pouring a cup of orange juice. 

"You seem awfully...giddy," Nina assessed.

"The sun is shining! The birds are singing and, everything is beautiful," Bianca sang out. 

Nina glanced at Wylan who shrugged, watching as Bianca walked outside with her cup of juice. Wylan reached for a piece of bacon only to be scolded by Nina. 

"You're going to waste the bacon!" 

"But I'm starving!" Wylan complained. 

"Stop whining," Jesper said from behind him, "Come on, lets go for a walk."

Jesper took Wylan's hand, dragging him from the food. Wylan pouted and sulked along as they walked down one of the various trails. 

"Stop it, they'll leave some for us when we get back." Jesper nudged his boyfriend with his shoulder. 

Wylan sighed and raised his head looking around at all the plants and animals. 

-

Bianca hummed on the porch when Kaz opened the door. She smiled and he stood next to her. When he didn't smile back, and stood silently she decided she had to ask: "You don't want to tell our friends about...whatever we are, because emotions scare you, right?" Bianca looked up at him. 

Kaz slowly nodded. 

"Take your time. Just not too long." Bianca smiled and looked out at the yard, listening to the birds. 

She whistled the same melody as a bird and waited. The bird whistled back and a grin broke out on her face. 

"You like it here?" He asked. 

"Love it." She looked over at him. 

Their eyes met. Bianca's stomach did back tucks—not summersaults—recalling last night. Kaz had that affect on her, and she loved it. 

"I'm going to see if breakfast is ready." He gave the same small smile—it was barley a smile, but it was like a smile all to herself—as last night and turned back to the house. 

-

Wylan came in pouting, seeing a good portion of food gone. Nina reached for the last piece of bacon and he jumped forward and grabbed it, stuffing it into his mouth. Bianca raised her eyebrows. 

"Jesus, Wylan," she muttered. "There's like ten other packages of bacon and I'm sure Matthias would make some more."

"I'm not a maid." Matthias grumbled at the end of the table. 

Bianca shrugged, "I don't think Nina sees it that way."

Nina winked at Matthias as she sipped her coffee. Matthias looked down at his plate embarrassed slightly. 

Bianca got up walking to the fridge and pulling out a plate of bacon reserved for Jesper and Wylan. Bianca laughed as Wylan hugged her. She threw the bacon in the microwave, Wylan waiting impatiently for it to heat up. 

Jesper watched Wylan from the doorway still. "He's a literal five year old." 

Bianca smiled as she sat back down. Jesper took his seat, putting pancakes on both of their plates. 

Bianca, finished with her food stood up, cleaning off her plate. "I need my camera." She announced marching up the stairs. 

Everyone at the table watched as she disappeared and Kaz held up the girls camera. Nina rolled her eyes down watched as Kaz made his way upstairs. 

"I can't find it!" She pouted, searching frantically. 

Kaz laughed and held it up, closing the door behind him. Bianca glared at him, stomping towards him. She reached for the camera and he held it up higher. 

"Kaz!" She complained. 

Kaz simply watched her try and reach for it. Bianca hit his chest hard, pouting once again. 

"This is just you trying to get me to kiss you." Bianca narrowed her eyes, "Isn't it?"

"I didn't think it was that cliche?" Kaz raised an eyebrow, drawing her close. 

She laughed, their faces centimeters apart. "It was very cliche, Kaz."

Kaz rolled his eyes and connected their lips. The kiss was hungry and loving. Everything they kept to themselves about how they felt was poured into the kiss. 

Bianca lifted herself into his arms and he turned so her back was against the door. She couldn't help but want more as his hands dared to wander. 

"We choose the most inconvenient times." Bianca muttered pulled apart. 

"Later, then?" 

"You best pray there's no thunderstorm tonight." She joked, still in his arms, "But do me a favor?" 

"Of course." 

"Take off your gloves and touch me." 

-

Nina opened the garage on the side of their cabin and flicked on the light, revealing 3 ATV's and a trailer or two. Bianca took the keys from Matthias climbing on the back of a blue four wheeler. 

She tried the keys until she tried to right one. Bianca looked back at the garage door as Jesper and Wylan (but mostly Jesper) opened it up. She tossed the other keys at Nina and backed up, out of the garage. 

"Come on you guys!" she called out eagerly. 

Kaz climbed on the back of hers and the others scrambled to get on theirs. Inej found the dirt bike in the corner of the room and took off ahead of them. 

Bianca took off following her, leaving Jesper and Wylan and then Nina and Matthias. Nina and Matthias had some issues deciding who was driving. 

Inej led the way down the trails, taking them through a grove of pine trees and then up a hill. Bianca raced past Inej, grinning. 

"I'm steering now." Kaz insisted reaching forward only to have his hands slapped away by Bianca. 

"I'm driving Kaz." 

"Yeah, and I would like to drive so." Kaz reached forward again and Bianca hit him, one hand on the wheel as she turned to look at him.

It sent them swerving to the side, narrowly missing a tree. Bianca screamed and Kaz took control, saving them from what would have been their untimely demise.Inej rolled to a stop next to them. Jesper and Wylan rolled up to them. 

Bianca's breaths were coming quick and panicky. She got up off the four wheeler, falling to the ground. She was starting to go blind with panic. 

"Bianca. Breathe." Jesper left Wylan on the four wheeler and rushed Bianca's side. 

Bianca looked up at Kaz, "I almost killed us."

"Actually, only you would have died." Kaz shrugged from up on the ATV. 

"You insensitive, little..." Jesper started glaring at Kaz. 

"Stop it. We're all fine, maybe I just shouldn't drive," Bianca said trying to slow her breathing. 

"Did you not hear him?" Jesper asked, glancing between Bianca and Kaz. 

"Yes I did and frankly, he's an ass but he saved me." 

Bianca started standing up. She climbed on the back of her and Kaz's ATV. She climbed behind Kaz and they set off again. 

"Are you okay?" Kaz turned his slightly to ask Bianca. 

Bianca, her arms around his torso, nodded. "I guess. Thanks to you." 

Kaz nodded as the drove and stopped on top of a hill overlooking a lot of the forest. Bianca climbed off the ATV walking to the steep edge of the hill. 

She pulled her camera out and turned it on, glancing back as the others rolled to a stop. She got a couple photos and started back towards Kaz. Kaz held out a hand for the camera and Bianca hesitantly handed it to him and he turned it towards her, prepared to take pictures of her. 

"God, no." She mumbled looking away. 

Kaz lowered the camera and rolled his eyes turned it off. "Drama queen." 

"A-hole." She retorted climbing back on the ATV. 

"Is that all you got?" He turned to her. 

"Other than imbecile?" She raised an eyebrow. 

"Yes, actually." 

She tilted her head to the side, "Dirtyhands." She spoke quietly so Inej and Jesper couldn't hear. 

"Dirtyhands?" He frowned and then made a choking noise. "Get your mind out of the gutter, B." 

She laughed and hit his head, "I didn't say anything, get your mind out the gutter." 

Kaz rubbed the back on his head with a gloved hand. "The hell? Such a Drama Queen." 

"Dirtyhands." She teased as Inej started driving. 

-

Bianca grabbed the pot of water and put it on the stove humming softly. Nina opened four boxes of mac and cheese and frowned. 

"I'm pretty sure Matthias and I could eat all of this on our own..." Nina crosses her arms. 

"That's why Matthias is outside grilling hot dogs." Bianca smiled putting the lid on the pot of water. 

"And Wylan's playing flute by the fire because..." 

"Because Jesper likes when he plays and their adorable." Bianca smiled leaning against the counter. 

"So what did you call Kaz on the ATV's today?" Nina raised an eyebrow. 

"Not telling." 

Nina pouted, "But you guys were so cute!" 

Nina wrapped her arms around Bianca from behind and rocked back and forth. She whined, making Bianca laugh. 

"Stop!" She laughed, "Nina!" 

Matthias walked in, staring at the two girls. "I don't understand girls." 

"I know, me neither." Jesper smiled slipping past Matthias and grabbing two waters. "Their psycho." 

"Hey!" Nina and Bianca chorused. 

"Idiot." Matthias jumped out of the way as Nina and Bianca ran after Jesper. 

Jesper tossed Wylan the waters, laughing as Nina and Bianca chased him around the yard. Eventually they gave up and headed back to the house laughing where Kaz was finishing the mac and cheese. 

Nina raised an eyebrow. Kaz never did anything he didn't have to. It was the Kaz Brekker way. It was his brand for God's sake. 

"Kaz?" Bianca frowned coming in behind Nina. 

Kaz shrugged, "Water was boiling." 

Bianca nodded grabbing seven bowls. Together her and Kaz filled the seven bowls evenly. Nina leaned against the counter behind them. 

"Why are you doing this?" Nina narrowed her eyes. 

"Nina dear, can't I be a good person every now and again?" Kaz asked handing her a bowl and setting out plates as Matthias came in with hot dogs. 

"No, Kaz, not unless it benefits you." Nina glared at him and then glanced at Bianca behind him, "And I know what the benefit is." Nina grabbed a hot dog and out it on a bun before going on the back patio. 

Matthias grabbed his food and was putting his hot dog together when Nina started calling for him. He sighed and gathered his food and drinks for both of them and went out back. 

"Nina knows," Bianca said from behind Kaz. 

"I'm sure Inej figured it out too." Kaz grabbed his food and started towards the door. 

Bianca stood in his path, her arms crossed in a stubborn Bianca way. 

"Yes, B?" Kaz asked. 

"Can we tell them?" 

"No." 

"Why not?" Bianca pouted. 

"Because I said so," Kaz started to walk around her and Bianca grabbed his arm. 

"Kaz." 

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you." 

"You've hurt me enough and I'm sick of pretending like I don't like you because I do like you. A lot." Bianca said quietly. 

Kaz leaned over, kissing her. "I like you a lot too." 

Bianca blushed red. "Why don't you act like this when others are around?" 

"Because," Kaz said, "it's just that. An act. The less they know the better." 

"Why is that a good thing?" 

Kaz laughed, startling Bianca, "Why is your favorite question isn't it?" Bianca nodded. "Right, well, they don't know more than they need to and they can never get to me." 

"They're your friends, Kaz." Bianca frowned. 

Kaz tilted his head, "You're the only one that matters." His lips found hers again. "We don't tell them. We show them." 

Bianca blushed again and nodded. She grabbed her food in a rush. Kaz waited for her and the two sat down at the table next to each other. 

"Jesper, Wylan go get food before Matthias eats it all!" Nina called looking at Matthias's nearly empty plate. 

"Has anyone seen Inej?" Bianca looked around. 

"Right here." Inej smiled as she came outside. 

"Where were you?" Bianca frowned. 

"Listening." She looked between Kaz and Bianca smiling. 

Bianca nearly choked on her food. Kaz even looked a bit uncomfortable now. Bianca took a sip of Nina's water that she offered and leaned back in her seat. 

"We should put a bell on Inej." Bianca said as she sat across from them. 

Inej laughed, silenced by the sudden ringing of Bianca'a phone.

Bianca frowned but pressed answer, setting her food aside. "James...Mom? Mom...where's—"

Her hand started shaking, Jesper noticed as he and Wylan sat at the table. Kaz grabbed it, looking at her with concern (a new emotion for Kaz to express). 

"You're kidding, right? You-you have to be...He's not, he has to be fine...He is fine!" Her voice quaked and Kaz's heart hurt at the sound. 

"B." Kaz tried but she didn't hear him. 

"S-sure. Bye." Bianca hung up, tears coming up to her eyes. 

"Sunshine." Kaz tried giving her hand a squeeze. 

"James...he, he..." Bianca tried to fight the tears and breath and speak all at once. "He got in a car crash..." 

"Is he okay?" Nina asked. 

"He's on his way to the hospital." Bianca started to get up, and before she even had the chance to fall, Kaz caught her. 

She turned into his chest, shaking. She cried quietly into his shirt, holding to him tightly. Kaz's head rested on hers and he rubbed her back calmly.

"We can drive out there..." Kaz started. 

Bianca nodded, opening her mouth but only a sob came out.

"I'll get my keys." Matthias said. 

"Hey, B..." Kaz tried to lift her head, "Hey, look at me. Please, Sunshine." 

Sunshine. She looked up at that. 

"There we go." Kaz chuckled lightly, leaving the others startled. "We'll go see him okay?" 

"But we still have a few more days here?" Bianca frowned. 

"And we can come back tonight." Kaz insisted.

Bianca sniffled and leaned against his chest again. 

"Okay, I'll bite." Jesper said, "Bianca and Kaz. Kianca or no Kianca." 

Bianca raised her head to look at Jesper, "Kianca?" 

"Yeah, Kaz and Bianca together...?" Jesper shrugged. 

Bianca hesitated to answer. It was Kaz was the one who answered. "Together, but if you say Kianca again I will hurt you." Jesper nodded and looked down at his good grinning. 

Bianca got up as Matthias tossed Kaz the keys. Matthias made it clear. Don't total it, don't scratch it, don't touch anything they didn't need to and be back by dinner.

Kaz and Bianca got in the car together and Bianca curled up in the passenger seat as Kaz took off. 

"'Show them', you said. 'Together.' You told Jesper." Bianca mumbled looking up at Kaz. 

"You're lucky your upset." Kaz mumbled as he drove. 

"Yeah?" 

Kaz nodded, "I might have a few choice words for you, if you weren't." 

"Dirtyhands." Bianca teased again. 

"Only for you." Kaz retorted, Bianca's face turning bright red. 

-

Bianca stood outside the doorway, holding Kaz's hand. "She'll kill you if you show up." 

Kaz shrugged, "I can handle myself." 

Bianca sighed and knocked softly on the door before pushing it open. Her mothers face lit up and fell when she saw Kaz.

"Mom, this is Kaz. My..." she glanced at Kaz. 

"Boyfriend." Kaz decided, liking the sound of it.

"Boyfriend." Bianca nodded turning to her mom, "We can talk about it later. I just want to see James." 

Her mom crossed her arms and nodded. She wasn't happy about it and she wouldn't forget to talk later with Bianca about Kaz. 

Bianca let go of Kaz's hands going over to James's bed side. She sat down on the bed, taking her brothers hand. 

She blinked rapidly. "Is he going to be okay?" 

"They aren't sure." Her mom sounded just as distressed. 

"I can't lose him too. Not after...I just can't." Bianca decided, no longer fighting tears. They streamed down her face now. 

Kaz itched to hold her close until she calmed down but her mom kept looking at him like he was a disease of sorts. Instead he stood by the doorway, his features hard. 

"Has he woken up?" Bianca's voice quaked. 

"No." Her mom shook her head, slipping past Kaz and out of the room crying. 

Kaz limped over to Bianca. She leaned against his side, looking down at all the cuts and bruises her brother wore. 

"I want to go back now." 

Kaz frowned, "You sure? We can stay a little bit longer?" 

Bianca nodded, "I don't want to be here at his death bed." 

"It's not his death bed." Kaz insisted. 

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you." 

Bianca sighed and closed her eyes. "Can we go?" 

Kaz nodded, "We can stop for food on the way back."

Bianca nodded and the two walked out passing her mom in hall way. Her mom hugged Bianca tightly and turned to Kaz, studying him. 

"Take care of her." She said and walked down the hall. 

"She'll kill you later." Bianca decided looking down the hall. 

Kaz nodded and nudged her forwards, out of hospital. Bianca climbed into the car and looked over at Kaz. 

"Have you always cared this much?" She wondered. 

Kaz shrugged, "I'm very good at hiding my emotions. Not always, but at some point...something about you...I wanted to protect you from everything evil in the world." 

"I can handle myself." Bianca insisted. 

"I know. I like that." Kaz put the keys in the ignition as Bianca leaned across to kiss him. Kaz's lips met hers. 

Slowly he pulled away and met her eyes. He began to wonder how he go so lucky when Bianca ruined the moment. 

"You're a sensitive a-hole, you know." Bianca teased. 

"Tell anyone and you'll regret it." Kaz said backing out of their spot. 

Bianca grinned, "I look forward to it." 

Kaz shook his head, resisting the urge to smile at her. Kaz Brekker didn't smile. 

-

Eventually they stopped at a fast food restaurant and went through the drive through. Bianca ate her food, half awake as the clock neared five.

"Why do you wear your gloves?" She asked, fixing her glasses. 

"You'll only laugh." He insisted. 

She pouted, "I won't."

"Idontlikegerms." He grumbled, his features hard. 

"Germs?" Bianca raised an eyebrow. "Why don't I apply to that rule?"

Kaz shook his head, "I have no idea. I'm trying to figure that part out." 

Bianca nodded as she swallowed the last of her food. "I'm tired." 

"You exhausted yourself." Kaz concluded. It was only five, no way she was this tired at five otherwise. There was no answer though, because Bianca was in fact sleeping. 

-

When he got back to the cabin, a little after dinner time, Kaz carried Bianca into the house and laid her down in the living room. For a few minutes, he knelt by her side. 

"We do need a bell for you." He turned to Inej who had been standing in the doorway silently the whole time. 

Inej shrugged, "Is she okay?"

Kaz nodded as they walked out of the room, "Yeah. She tried herself out."

Inej nodded as they walked to the back porch again. Jesper and Wylan stopped wrestling (Jesper was winning), hoping Bianca would join them. Wylan frowned and looked down at his food.

Kaz tossed Matthias the keys and sat down. 

"How'd it go?" Nina asked and Kaz raised an eyebrow. "I mean, her mom was there right?" 

Kaz nodded. "At first, I thought she was going to kill me. And then she told me to take care of Bianca."

"Were you there long?" Jesper asked.

"No. Bianca wanted to come back." Kaz tapped his fingers on the chair. 

He looked out at the setting sun. Bianca would be okay, he told himself.


End file.
